Thomas Edison invented the phonograph. Max invented the pornograph, and here it is: the strange, unnatural things one finds on the internet. Also, Japan.
Look like we at HouseofFlavor were right. Scan is from Thai Rath, a Thai newspaper.
You can see his hands tied above his head. He appears to be wearing fishnet stockings. The Post Chronicle seems to be the only online source that’s running it.
Again, this illustrates the danger of engaging in breathplay or asphyxiation alone. The mainstream news calls it “dangerous,” but it’s only dangerous if there’s no one else present and/or it’s practiced unsafely. Looks like Carradine learned this tragically.
UPDATE: Many in the American media have decried the Thai newspaper and American sources that published the photo. Myself, I offer it without apology. There is nothing sacred or obscene ab0ut a corpse. (Regular House of Flavor readers will know that I find very little sacred or obscene.)
Furthermore, I can’t imagine that there’s anything particularly shocking about Carradine’s death. His accidental hanging (and, thus, this picture) is only scandalous if you believe he was doing something wrong or deviant–which I and most sane journalists don’t. Asphyxiation? Cross-dressing? Kid stuff. Your neighbor probably does it; life goes on. The media is easily scandalized. I’m not.
So here it is, offered without doubt or compromise: an example of the fragility of human life. An illustration of what a moment of carelessness can do. A corpse–something people at various points in their lives find frightening, shocking, obscene, or fascinating. A celebrity. Carradine’s only crime was carelessness, something we’re all guilty of at one point or another. Take it or leave it.
But you’re a House of Flavor reader–and I suspect you’ll take it.
Today we mourn the death of actor David Carradine, who gained fame in many awesome-but-bizzarrely-miscast-as-a-Chinese-guy roles, and was found dead this morning, naked and hanging by his neck in the closet of a Bangkok hotel.
His death brings up an important question: namely, who the hell hangs themselves naked? If Carradine knew he was going to be found–as he doubtless would have–wouldn’t he have dressed first? Director Dan Adams insists that it must have been an accident or a murder. Before you dismiss this as a ridiculous theory based on grief rather than facts, consider this.
Michael Hutchence, a British singer, was found hanged to death in 1997, an apparent suicide. In 1999, his lover, Paula Yates, challenged the coroner’s verdict, insisting that Hutchence–who, she claims, engaged in a wide variety of sexual experimentation–had died of autoerotic asphyxia.
Autoerotic asphyxia is the practice of cutting off one’s air supply to facilitate a “rush” or heightened orgasm during sex or masturbation. Some practitioners of this act use rope or cord around the neck, while others use plastic bags wrapped around the head. The practice is apparently prevalent enough for a few high-profile deaths to raise the profile of this practice and for some health educators to warn against it. From the linked article:
Exactly how many people engage in AEA is unknown, and the practice almost always remains a secret until a person dies accidentally. It’s estimated that between 500 and 1000 deaths occur annually in the United States from this dangerous type of masturbation. … If a person does not die from cerebral anoxia, brain or tissue damage could possibly occur, depending on how long the brain and body are deprived of oxygen. … These immediate threats to the brain and body, including death and brain damage, make auto-erotic asphyxiation one of the riskiest of all sexual behaviors.
My theory? Carradine was fooling around in a hotel and had a fatal spot of bad luck.
UPDATE: Looks like I’m right. See the full story here.
When I encounter a foreign phrase I’m not familiar with, I often use Google Translate. But most of the time, it gives me a garbled or overly-literal version of what I want to translate. Instead of doing this, I often just type the relevant search term into Google Image Search and see what comes up.
It’s a great way to translate simple words or phrases if you’re not easily shocked and don’t mind finding out very graphically that the phrase you just translated means “dragon penis.”
That said, if anyone knows what نانسي سكس means, please tell me, because Google is giving me a lot of boobage.
Have any of you ever read Philip Roth’s Portnoy’s Complaint? Written in 1969 (and banned in Australia!), it’s considered to be the finest of obscene literature as well as the defining novel of a certain brand of Jewish neuroticism. It contains such gems as the young Portnoy finding a beef liver in his family’s refrigerator, masturbating with it, then putting it back in the fridge. An excerpt:
So. Now you know the worst thing I’ve ever done. I fucked my own family’s dinner.
The “complaint” in the novel is defined thus:
Portnoy’s Complaint: A disorder in which strongly-felt ethical and altruistic impulses are perpetually warring with extreme sexual longings, often of a perverse nature…
I think that the patrons of the internet can identify with this. They are complex souls, probably feeling the weight of their late mother’s stares over their collective shoulders as they post picture after picture of necrophiliac Disney erotica. Their mother’s love and care over peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich lunches and shiny red apples has warped into bread fetishes and fruit porno. How else could you explain this?
This is not sad; it is simply there, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Or how about this one?
Or this entire site, known as “Food Bangers”?
Portnoy would be proud of all of you breadfuckers.
Oh, and if you want to see some honest-to-god food porn (of the non-sexual variety), visit thisiswhyyourefat.com. It’s magically delicious. I will never again eat a hamburger without thinking how good it would taste with a donut bun.
I think we’re do for a cartoon porn post. The thing I love about this stuff is that it’s so uninhibited. In live-action porn, there’s a limit to one’s freedom of imagination, mostly due to the reality of the performers’ bodies. But with cartoons–welll, as you’ll see below, anything goes.
I think this stuff is starting to blossom into a real porn genre because the generation that watched tons and tons of Saturday morning cartoons–whose parents plopped us in front of Disney movies to get a little quiet time–who know all the words to “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” and might today nostalgically download it as an mp3–is slowly but surely growing up. (And becoming sick fucks.)
That last one wasn’t even anatomically correct. Sea sponges don’t have penises. They’re perfectly square and wear clothes and talk, but no dicks. Sheesh.
I like the practicality in the first one. I guess the artist was thinking, “Hey, how am I going to draw Snow White giving one of the dwarves head? Ohhhhh. Table.”
I couldn’t leave you without a diaper pic. In internet porn, diapers are everywhere, permeating every genre of porn. Wherever there’s porn, there’s a diaper. There’s no escaping it. As Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said, there are only three sure things in life: death, taxes, and diaper porn.
Well, he might have said it. You don’t know that he didn’t.
First, an announcement: I’ve added a translate feature for the Spanish- and other-language readers I’ve inexplicably gathered.
Anyway, as a follow-up to my people-dressed-as-Spiderman post…let me say right now that some people can get away with wearing a Superman costume. For those happy few, the cape of Superman comes naturally. But for these people…well, I’ll let you be the judge.
Other superheroes, if anything, are worse. Mind-numbingly, eye-bleedingly worse. Proceed with caution.
UPDATE: A reader has alerted me in the comments to this amazing Wonder Woman:
Occasionally, though, someone gets it right. These next guys do it better than Batman himself.
That’s one thing I can say for certain that the real Batman should have invested in: rollerblades.
So you’re casually surfing eBay, trying to buy a television, when you happen upon this beauty. It’s just the one you want–it’s got that smooth early-nineties feel and enormous twenty-inch screen. You start to click “buy,” and then you notice OH MY GOD IT’S SOMEONE’S CROTCH.
That’s right. Take a closer look at the screen. This, my friends, is known as Reflectoporn, as promised in my last post. It’s the practice of taking pictures of reflective objects in such a way that one’s nude body is shown in the image…
…which is subsequently posted to a public forum, usually eBay. Metro.co.uk reported:
One regular eBay user said: “I was totally shocked when I realised what was in the reflection of a kettle I was looking at.”
Eh, what do you expect from the internet? Not-porn? No way!
Oh, and on another note, I found more Spiderman porn! I post a few photos of people dressed as sexy Spiderman, and, a week later, completely by accident, I run into Spiderman porn again. Better yet, it’s the same guy that’s in one of the photos I posted last week! At least, I’m almost certain it’s the same guy. What are the odds? This time, it’s in video form! The original video’s too big to upload, so here are a couple of choice cuts:
That Spiderman post is actually my most popular post yet. Sex-And-Blogs.com and a couple of other sites linked to it, and it’s been getting about a hundred hits a day. I wonder what the appeal of sexy Spiderman is.
Oh, wait. I know what the appeal is. He’s Spiderman, for God’s sake. Spiderman.
Right. Okay. Inanimate objects are a staple of porn. I quickly uncovered a very sweet stop-motion video of a toilet-paper-on-napkin romance.
The lamp story is a bit more interesting. The following are photographs from the series “Lamp Girls” from photographer Marianne Maric.
Cool, huh? Yes, I do occaisionally discover an artist I like through my blog. I mean, it’s not all about Alvin and the Chipmunks porn. There’s more here if you’re interested.
Now for the toasters. I expected the toaster erotica to be roughly on par with that of lamps and toilet paper.
BUT NO. There is actually an INSANE AMOUNT OF TOASTER PORN OUT THERE.
There’s live-action human-on-toaster…
Live-action kettle-on-toaster…
There’s (of course) porn of “The Brave Little Toaster”…
Quasi-Simpsons toaster quadruplet weirdness…
Bear-on-girl with additional toaster…
…cartoons about toaster sex…
…and even a t-shirt.
The following one, though, is my favorite. I admit, it: a toaster with boobs is pretty awesome. We should be glad we live in a country with such things.
But why is there so much toaster porn out there, and not lamp and toilet paper stuff? What is it about toasters that makes them so sexy? Is it the slots? Their receptiveness, their willingness to serve? The orgasmic “pop!” when your toast is done? What is it? I puzzle. I do puzzle.
Oh, and my next post is a riddle. I hereby introduce you to kettle porn. This was a picture posted on eBay. I have a slight hunch it was taken by a man. See if you can spot why. It’s the subject of my next post.
Once I get enough images in a certain category–Disney princesses, say, or Pikachu–I sit down and say, “Well, this one deserves a blog post.” The dirty pictures reach critical mass, and out comes a coherent whole.
And now I know that I’m getting old and that the internet is getting old, too. You know what reached critical mass this time? Live-action Spiderman costume aficionados.
I swear, I should not have this many pictures of filthy Spidermen. Is this the direction my life is heading? I mean, seriously. You have to take into account that this picture comes from the folder Documents/House of Flavor/The Human Form/People dressed as Spiderman. That’s right, I have a whole folder. In fact, here’s a screenshot of my blog folder:
Yeah. It’s that bad.
Oh, and the request for toaster, lamp, and toilet paper porn is coming up. But I have homework. Yes, I do occaisionally work. I do.
